Quotes about the profession in general:

If you look closely (at this chart) you can see
the electrons whirring around the nucleus... (?)
If you look hard, you can see fairies...(!)
I have seen miracles,
I have seen ghosts,
I have seen angels,
but atoms remain ((hidden)).
I think I have heard fairies gliding by me,
So have others;
But I have never heard someone say
they felt or saw an atom.
Which is the fairy tale?

1. At last I'll have some money
2. I'll have my life back
3. I thought I was supposed to be a teacher, not a researcher
4. Just call me, 'Dr.'
5. I'm now the expert, so I can teach
6. I've done a dissertation, so I can do research
7. I do my job. What else do you want?
8. My colleagues will be thrilled for me when I succeed
9. All is fair in academe: I'll advance solely on my merits
10. I can be happy only as an academic _{Dr. Patricia Kearney, Cal. State Long Beach}

1. You want to slap the next person who says,"Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free."
2. You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
3. You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box on the report card.
4. When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.
5. When you mention "vegetables" and you're not talking about a food group.
6. You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
7. You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
8. You wonder WHY some parents ever reproduced.
9. You can't have children of your own, because there is NO name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.
10. Meeting a child's parents INSTANTLY answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"
11. You understand why some animals eat their young. _{John Paul Jones}

1955: A farmer's wife sold seventy-nine apples for $21.33. Each apple cost $0.21 to produce and bring to market. How much did this sale yield overall? Write a report on this subject.
1965: A farmperson sold many apples for $1.00(one dollar). The FP made a profit of $.25 (twenty-five cents). Is this an unfair labor practice? Discuss in three sentences.
1975: A person sold three(3) apples. Underline the word a-p-p-l-e three (3) times. Then color the picture with your big red crayon.
1985: Here is a nice apple. Your professor will now give you an apple to taste. Please go to the language lab and record your responses on a Departmental tape. Keep it in your file with the others.
1995: Baby see apple. Gather in a circle for two weeks with your Assigned Peer Group and share all the emotions you are feeling regarding this Vital Experience.

Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and,
gathering them around him, He taught them saying:
Blessed are the poor in spirit.
Blessed are those who mourn.
Blessed are the meek.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness.
Blessed are the merciful.
Blessed are the pure in heart.
Blessed are the peacemakers.
Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake.
Blessed are you when men revile you on my account.
Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven.
Then Simon Peter said, "Are we supposed to know this?"
And Andrew said, "Do we have to write this down?"
And James said, "I don't have any paper."
And Phillip said, "Will we have a test on this?"
And Bartholomew said, "Do we have to turn this in?"
And John said, "The other disciples didn't have to learn this."
And Matthew said, "May I go to the bathroom?"
And Judas said, "What does this have to do with real life?"

And Jesus wept. _{Author unknown}

---

And some pertinent ones about physical chemists:

About class or lecture:

Q. Do we have to know this?
A. Yes
Q. Is this going to be on the exam?
A. Maybe
Q. Is there something I can do for extra credit?
A. These are offered throughout the course. Do them when offered or accept the consequences.
Q. You're kidding about all this - I mean the "time" stuff, the "organization", "keeping up" and all that?
A. No.
Q. No, really. This is just to scare us?
A. No.
Q. But this doesn't give me time for my other classes.
There's a longer answer here.
Q. I missed class this morning. Did you do anything important?
A. Yes
Q. I have to study for an exam in another class; are you going to cover anything important?
A. Yes
Q. Are you busy?
Yes, but I'll always try to make time for your questions - once.
Q. WHY do we have to know this?
A. Employers expect a SUNY degree to mean you have learned it.
If you haven't, there are consequences for us both.
Q. What does this stuff have to do with being a (doctor, lawyer, native american leader, etc.)?
A. You will find out (I hope.).
Q. Are you going to collect the homework? Sometimes.
Q. Is there going to be a final; is it comprehensive? Yes
Q. How can this be wrong when my calculator gave me that answer?
There is no substitute for the calculator between your ears.
Q. Will the test problems be like your examples?
A. No. I worked those problems to distract you.
Q. Will we have to report our answers to the proper number of significant figures?
A. No. Just like in lab, only your instructor knows the proper number of significant figures to use.
Q. Are the examinations going to be curved? No
Q. But I studied for (fill in number from 2-12) hours - why didn't I get a better grade?"
How and when did you study? Did you read the book? Etc., etc.
Q. How about students in lab who ask (with a thermometer in their hand . . .)
"How do we measure room temperature?"
I really like the method demonstrated to me by another teacher:
Take the thermometer out into the hall.
Then, with flourish, thrust the thermometer through the open doorway;
pause; and carefully note the reading.
Q. Why'd you count my answer wrong just because I got the wrong answer? I got part of the set-up right.
As to the partial credit question, the math and physics professors here have a cartoon of a bridge with a noticeable vertical gap between the two parts of the bridge. The caption reads: "Don't I get partial credit??"
Q. One of my favorites from advanced inorganic was a dialog that ran "All of this stuff is right."
"Yes, but it doesn't have anything to do with the question."
"So why didn't I get any points?"
"Because you didn't answer the question."
"But all the stuff I wrote is right (true)."
"Yes, but it doesn't have anything to do with the question......" _Unknown

1. If your students are looking at you, they must be listening.
2. When teachers start lecturing, students start listening.
3. Students will remember the points you think are the most important.
4. Students finish listening when teachers finish lecturing.
5. Students accurately repeat what teachers tell them.
6. Students process things in the same way their teachers do.
7. If students understand and agree with the information presented, they will apply the principles in their work._{Source: INSTRUCTIONAL STRATEGIES NEWSLETTER Fall 1994 Volume 3 Issue 3 Saskatchewan Professional Development Unit Sakatoon, SK Canada}

And tests:

Our Professor, who art in the chemistry lab, praised by the name.
Give us this day the knowledge to pass this exam and
forgive us our ignorance as we forgive those who are ignorant.
Lead us not unto failure but have mercy on our grade point average.
Deliver us from stupid errors and run-down calculators.
Yea though we study amist acids and bases,
your wisdom shall teach us and we shall hail thy Professorship forever. _{Richard Stein, Germanna Community College, Locust Grove, VA}

* "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
* "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
* "H₂O is hot water, and CO₂ is cold water"
* "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
* "When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
* "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"
* "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
* "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
* "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
* "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
* "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
* "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
* "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
* "The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
* "The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
* "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
* "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
* "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
* "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
* "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
* "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
* "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
* "Liter: A nest of young puppies."
* "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
* "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
* "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
* "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
* "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
* "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
* "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
* "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
* "For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration."
* "For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm abov the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
* "For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
* "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead." * "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
* "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
* "One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second"
* "You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came."
* "When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions."
* "Some day we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction."
* "Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime."
* "A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go."
* "There are 26 vitamens in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered."

TO: Professor _____________________________

FROM: __________________________________

I think my grade in your course, _____________________________, should be changed from ___ to ___ for the following reasons:

___ 1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.

___ 2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.

___ 3. This course will lower my grade point average and I wonÕt get into:

___ Medical School, ___ Graduate School, ___ Dental School,

___ my fraternity/sorority, ___ The Mickey Mouse Club

___ 5. IÕll lose my scholarship.

___ 6. IÕm play varsity sports and my tutor couldnÕt find a copy of your exam.

___ 7. I didnÕt come to class and the person whose notes I used didnÕt get the material you tested on.

___ 8. I studied the basic principles and the exam asked every fact.

___ 9. I studied the facts and definitions but you exams asked for basic principles.

___ 10. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me (or cut my allowance.)

___ 11. You told us to be creative but didnÕt tell us exactly how to do that.

___ 12. I was creative but you said I was shooting the bull.

___ 13. I donÕt have a reason; I just want a higher grade.

More about lab matters:

1. When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
2. Experiments must be reproducible. They should fail the same way each time.
3. First draw your curves, then plot your data.
4. Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
5. A record of data is essential. It shows you were working.
6. To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
7. To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
8. If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
9. If that doesn't work, start at both ends and try to find a common middle.
10. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
11. Do not believe in miracles---rely on them.
12. Team work is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.
13. All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
14. Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.(Law of Spontaneous Fission) _{Dave Coble}

TA: What went on in this lab? Student: What do you mean?
TA: What did you do in this lab? Student: Lab 3.
TA: And what did you do in lab 3? Student: We measured the result.
TA: Assume I've never seen this lab before, and you're going to explain it to me. What would you say? Student: (pause) Well, it was all about getting the slope.
TA: The slope of what? Student: The slope of the plot.
TA: I know that, but you have to assume I've never heard of this lab, ok? How would you explain what you did? Student: We got the wires and measured at each point.
TA: Measured what? Student: What the meter said.
TA: (pause) Look. Your report tells me nothing; this could be an experiment about baking cakes. What's this number here? Student: 5.
TA: Yes I KNOW it's 5. What did it measure? Student: The slope. Of the line.
TA: What line? Student: The line. On the plot. We measured the points and plotted them.
TA: Why? Student: (knowing smile) Because that's what the lab said.
TA: If I was a total stranger, how would you explain this to me? Student: You just connect it up--
TA: Connect WHAT up? Student: The circuit.
TA: Why? Student: I'm sorry, I don't know what you're asking.
TA: I'm asking: what is this lab all about? Student: Well, we put in the wires and got 5.
TA: 5 what? Student: The slope.
TA: WHAT was itÕs slope? Student: 5.
TA: I KNOW that, but what was it a measurement of? Student: The meter.
TA: (sigh) One more time -- consider me a total stranger. How would you explain this to me? Student: You just put on the wires and vary the dial until you get the readings.
TA: What dial? Student: On the power supply.
TA: Why was there a power supply? Student: Well, for the circuit.
TA: And what readings are you talking about? Student: The readings in the plot.
TA: They gave you a plot in the lab manual? Student: I'm sorry, I don't know what you're asking.
TA: Where did the plot come from? Student: We drew it.
TA: From what? Student: From the experiment.
TA: The experiment about what? Student: About lab 3.
TA: (expires) _Unknown

About elements:

1. I hit my neon the table.
2. Elsa just washed the fluorine the kitchen.
3. It was a long trek, but the hikers boron.
4. I bought twelve cookies, but I ate hafnium. Then I ate the other six; now they argon.
5. I can't wait until he's dead so we can barium in the krypton the hill.
6. Tellurium going to the store.
7. The church towers aren't any good since there's nobelium.
8. I like watching plays, but mostly I like to actinium.
9. I've never heard of a weavers' rooms without aluminum.
10. I'll steal the horses as soon as I can think of a way to get the mendelevium unguarded.
11. Bring the pictures over here and let calcium. 12) We had a roach problem, but called the exterminator to get iridium.
12. I didn't have time to read all the books; I just scandium.
13. He wanted to buy my CDs, but I already sodium.
14. The police caught the robbers after their radon the bank.
15. Many people want to be cowboys. They want terbium so they can learn how to herd cattle and how europium.
16. It's stopped raining, so you can get radium brella.
17. Be careful, if your pianos need repairs, that you don't let someone who's in neptunium.
18. The rope gave way just as they were chlorine the drawbridge. (?)
19. Slow down! You're going to phosphorus!
20. The kidnapper tried to leave the country, but the the FBI went to the airport to cesium.
21. Only a few of the plants survived, but manganese ever grow!
22. Come down to Dr. Smith's biotech lab and see the oxygen-erated.
23. The hubcaps are missing, the seats are ripped and the doors are dented...where's the carbon?
24. It's necessary to galvanize the ship so it won't rust through and zinc.
25. Sulfur, so good.
26. The last batch of cookies you made was great...can I have samarium?
27. I'll never bicycle one hundred miles again, considering how thorium.
28. It's not mature to throw a temper tantalum. _{With apologies..... Steve Hardinger, Cal State U. Fullerton}

1. I bear two gifts not one or three,
Earthbound yet I roam the sea,
All brilliant white,
I head you ache,
Fond of milk, averse to cake. _{This is magnesium}
2. Allover black and white and red,
I bow and scrape my shamefaced head,
Ignite with rage, glow envious green,
I'm bound for dirt and yet I'm clean. _{This is phosphorus}
3. An active sailor, yet seldom free,
An old salt, Peter, afire in the sea,
Near noble, yet base and prone to lie,
Purple with rage when excited am I. _{This is potassium}
4. Shunned by most and craved by all,
Food for rabbits, made from straw,
Billions found greed and abandoned sense,
Though not a fool, I am quite dense. _{This is gold}

1. Limbaughium Lb
The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass.
Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light.
Instantly polarizes all elements that come in contact with it.
Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons.
2. Billclintium Bc
With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water.
3. Gorium Gr
Lightweight element. Antagonistic to internal combustion engines;
essential for growing tobacco until a few years ago;
effective cure for insomnia; can be used as a means to raise money.
4. Canadium Eh
Similar to Americium, but a little denser.
Much more rigid. Often called Boron.
5. Innofensium Pc
Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons, quarks.
Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.
6. Newtium Sh
Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge.
Does not possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.
7. Quaylium Vp
Einsteinium it ain't.
8. Budweisium Ps
Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.
9. Cabmium Cb
Found in abundance, except when needed.
Exists in two states, in motion and at rest.
When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do.
Cabmium has a charge associated with it.
The charge is variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it.
10. Politicium Po
Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach lethal concentrations in the House.
11. Congressium Cg
Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.
12. Snot Sn
Bonds forever with corduroy _{Robert L. Carter, UMass, Boston}
13. FLOURIDE: Negatively charged, finely ground wheat. _{Wm. Munsey}

Are these straight from the MSDSs for these materials? Toxic Comments:

1. is also known as hydric acid, and THE major component of acid rain.
2. contributes to the greenhouse effect.
3. may cause severe burns.
4. accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
5. may cause electrical failure and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
6. has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

1. as an industrial solvent and coolant.
2. in nuclear power plants.
3. in the production of Styrofoam.
4. as a fire retardant.
5. in many forms of cruel animal research.
6. in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.
7. as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products.
8. Waste DHMO is allowed to pollute our precious lakes, rivers, streams and the ocean itself. The impact of wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

If you have questions or comments, write the:

  Author of this page: Terry Helser - helsertl@oneonta.edu
  Web Coordinator: Steve Maniscalco - maniscsj@oneonta.edu
Or return to the SUNY @ Oneonta Home Page to see where we live and work.
  Last Modified on 7/8/98