OHEO logo Office of health ed


Spring 2011 PAIRS Poster Campaign: Julie's Story

***See the whole story here***updated 5/11/2011

 

Take this week 11 quiz here

Take this week 10 quiz here

Take this week 9 quiz here

Take this week 8 quiz here

Take this week 7 quiz here

Take this week 6 quiz here

Take this week 5 quiz here

Take this week 4 quiz here

Take this week 3 quiz here

Take this week 2 quiz here

 

Week 12: You Can Make A Difference

Click the image below to see the poster at full size or use the link at the top of this page to see the whole story.

poster 7

When you begin to recognize warning signs in a friend’s relationship, it is important to let them know that you are concerned for them. Using “I statements” is a great way to start the conversation. An “I statement” begins with you stating an observation like “I noticed Will yelling at you the other day.” You then state how it made you feel “it really bothered me to see him disrespect you like that.” You can then ask if everything is OK and that you are there to listen and support your friend. While having these types of conversations with friends can be uncomfortable, most students report that they would want a friend to speak out in times like these.


The P.A.I.R.S. committee works to provide proactive educational services to students, faculty and staff about the issues of sexual and relationship violence and to aid students affected by violence in accessing quality services. P.A.I.R.S. aims to positively change the environment at SUNY College at Oneonta to create a community where violence in any form is not only unacceptable but non-existent.


P.A.I.R.S. works closely with Oneonta’s Violence Intervention Program which provides survivors of rape, sexual assault and violence with a 24-hour hotline and advocacy services.

 

 

 

 

 

Week 11: The Ending is Just the Beginning

Thanks for checking in with the website this week. Remember, taking the quiz will get you entered in a raffle for a $20 gift card to the Red Dragon bookstore.

 

Click the image below to see the poster at full size or use the link at the top of this page to see the whole story.

poster 10

Moving on after an unhealthy relationship is something that takes time. As you begin to live your life without your abusive partner you may realize just how much of your time was taken up thinking about them and how they were going to react to everything you did. It is hard to forget the happy times and thinking of the good times is a way to avoid the painful feelings of grief and separation. This is what often causes people to return to their partner. Initially a happy reunion may result, but abusive behaviors will reoccur in time.
If you are unsure of what to do with new found free time, make a list of activities that excite and energize you. Make a list of people whom you can talk to that leave you feeling good about yourself. You may need to schedule your free evenings and weekends amongst these activities and friends while you adjust to being single. Friends can help out by being aware of the new gaps in the person’s life and helping to fill them with ideas for activities, even simple things like invites to the dining hall, watching a video, sending a text or writing a caring wall post can make a difference. Did you spot the friend’s helping behavior?

 

 

 

Week 10: Hooked on Hope

Remember, taking the quiz will get you entered in a raffle for a $20 gift card to the Red Dragon bookstore.

Click the image below to see the poster at full size or use the link at the top of this page to see the whole story.

poster 10

After a relationship ends, the abused person may begin to notice how they were snared by some of these common traps: Many abusers manipulate relationships by doing “good things.” They can be wonderful and helpful sometimes and angry and manipulative at others. The unpredictability keeps the abused partner hooked into the relationship.


Abusers will often blame their behavior on other external factors like the fact that maybe they didn’t have the best upbringing, that they were upset over something, the fact that they were high or drunk, or even on things done or said by the abused partner. Finding explanations for an abusive partner is one way of managing the situation. The abused partner uses this to explain what’s wrong, assumes they can fix it, and thus salvage the relationship.


Abused partners will often stay in a relationship because they are afraid of not finding another partner. They may have come into the relationship with beliefs like this person was their one true soul mate, “the one”, that they would only ever have sex with the person they would spend the rest of their life with or that they’ll never fall in love again. Did you spot the friend’s helping behavior?

 

Week 9: Abuse Takes Many Forms

Remember, taking the quiz will get you entered in a raffle for a $20 gift card to the Red Dragon bookstore.

Click the image below to see the poster at full size or use the link at the top of this page to see the whole story.

poster 7

Abusive partners use a variety of behaviors to take control in a relationship. While physical violence is what is stereotypically associated with unhealthy relationships it is actually not very common. More common are intimidating experiences like having objects thrown or broken or situations where the abuser refuses to leave you, or blocks you from leaving them.


Emotional abuse is the most common type of abuse. Abusers can gain control through their moodiness, by “blowing up”, using the silent treatment or threatening to end the relationship. The abused partner never knows what will set their partner off.


Technology provides abusers with increased means to check up on their partners by reading texts and emails and the policing of online profiles. Abusers also have the ability to stay in constant contact through frequent texts and phone calls and can even use cellphone GPS functions to track down their partner.
The combined effects of these behaviors results in instilled fear, the reduction of self esteem and increased dependence by the abused partner on their abuser. Did you spot the warning sign behavior?.

 

Week 8: The Cycle of Violence

Remember, taking the quiz will get you entered in a raffle for a $20 gift card to the Red Dragon bookstore.

Click the image below to see the poster at full size or use the link at the top of this page to see the whole story.

poster 7

Stalking behaviors are also prevalent in unhealthy relationships. The abusive partner exhibits behaviors that initially appear as a lack of trust or a lack of boundaries. For example, constantly calling or texting when the couple is apart, insisting on tagging along, meeting their partner after class to walk them to the next class.


As with isolation, the abusive partner will often say that they are doing these things because they love their partner. For the abused person, this can be confusing, but because they do love their partner they are willing to make excuses for behaviors that they don’t like.


Part of what allows the abusive partner to gain control is because they are great at putting on the charm. When they want something they can be the perfect partner, but when things don’t go exactly their way they take out their anger and frustration on their partner. Did you spot the warning sign behavior?


Notice that Julie’s friends did a great thing by inviting her to dinner, no doubt she has turned down a lot of offers to hang out, but they persisted. They are doing a great job picking up on the warning signs.

 

Week 7: Alway There

Remember, taking the quiz will get you entered in a raffle for a $20 gift card to the Red Dragon bookstore.

Click the image below to see the poster at full size or use the link at the top of this page to see the whole story.

poster 7

Stalking behaviors are also prevalent in unhealthy relationships. The abusive partner exhibits behaviors that initially appear as a lack of trust or a lack of boundaries. For example, constantly calling or texting when the couple is apart, insisting on tagging along, meeting their partner after class to walk them to the next class.


As with isolation, the abusive partner will often say that they are doing these things because they love their partner. For the abused person, this can be confusing, but because they do love their partner they are willing to make excuses for behaviors that they don’t like.


Part of what allows the abusive partner to gain control is because they are great at putting on the charm. When they want something they can be the perfect partner, but when things don’t go exactly their way they take out their anger and frustration on their partner. Did you spot the warning sign behavior?


Notice that Julie’s friends did a great thing by inviting her to dinner, no doubt she has turned down a lot of offers to hang out, but they persisted. They are doing a great job picking up on the warning signs.

 

Week 6: Isolation

Remember, taking the quiz will get you entered in a raffle for a $20 gift card to the Red Dragon bookstore.

Click the image below to see the poster at full size or use the link at the top of this page to see the whole story.

poster 7

Another common behavior that can be witnessed in the early part of a relationship that may become unhealthy is isolation. The controlling partner limits the social contact and support of their partner. As the abused partner has less and less time with other people, their dependence on the controlling partner increases. When this one sided dependency exists, it makes it harder for the abused person to find help, leaving them feeling trapped.


Isolation takes more guises than just limiting contact with friends. It may show itself as being protective (“you don’t know how guys are, you might get hurt”); as possessiveness (“who’s this guy that you just friended?”) or interrogation (“you said you were going to be in the library at 8pm, but you weren’t there”). Abusers often excuse their controlling and manipulative behavior through ‘love’, “You know I only do this because I love you.”


Did you spot the warning sign behavior?

 

 

Week 5: Taking Over

Remember, taking the quiz will get you entered in a raffle for a $20 gift card to the Red Dragon bookstore.

Click the image below to see the poster at full size or use the link at the top of this page to see the whole story.

poster 7

One of the first ways in which a partner may begin to exert control over the other is through behaviors that erode self-esteem. Behaviors which constitute emotional abuse like put-downs and guilt trips, those that limit self-expression like limiting how their partner spends free time or how to dress and those that “test” a partners commitment are often the first warning signs that an unhealthy relationship is developing.


Often these behaviors are excused by the victim who may try to put them in the context of “my partner is looking out for me” or “must really love me” or “really needs me.” Certainly no one falls in love expecting to wind up in an unhealthy relationship so denial of unhealthy behavior is very common. The abusive partner continues these behaviors and may escalate to other forms of abuse.


Has this happened to one of your friends? A great way to bring it up is to say “I get offended when I see your partner [insert behavior] because I think it’s really disrespectful.”


Did you spot the warning sign behavior?

 


Week 4: Infatuation

Remember, taking the quiz will get you entered in a raffle for a $20 gift card to the Red Dragon bookstore.

Click the image below to see the poster at full size or use the link at the top of this page to see the whole story.

poster 7

Another part of the attachment phase in romantic relationships is the development of a bond between the two. The two partners focus on their similarities by spending time together and doing activities together. This allows the couple to develop a sense of who they are as a couple. As a result they spend less time doing things with friends they don’t have in common or doing activities that they don’t both enjoy.


In the normal progression of a healthy relationship this period of time when the couple is inseparable is short-lived. Eventually the partners feel secure enough in their relationship that they feel comfortable doing things as individuals. In an unhealthy relationship one or both partners continue to spend only time with each other leading to a situation of isolation.


It’s quite likely you’ve witnessed this behavior amongst your friends when they have entered into new relationships. Did you spot the warning sign behavior?

 

 

 

Week 3: Falling in LOVE

Remember, taking the quiz will get you entered in a raffle for a $20 gift card to the Red Dragon bookstore.

Click the image below to see the poster at full size or use the link at the top of this page to see the whole story.

poster 7

Researchers have found that falling in love can take less than a fifth of a second. When a person falls in love, the brain is extremely active and releases a mix of euphoria-inducing neurotransmitters.


This chemical brew in the brain is also responsible for the infatuation that occurs at the beginning of relationships. Early in the relationship these romance emotions are extremely intense. Your brain is actually being saturated with plenylethylamine, a natural amphetamine which triggers the release of dopamine, oxytocin and norepinephrine. These chemicals are responsible for that feeling of being on top of the world and providing that extra energy that can allow you to stay up all night talking to that special someone.


Being in love can also lower serotonin levels this sets us up for obsession and explains why we focus solely on our new partner at the beginning of the relationship. In the early part of the relationship, also called the “honeymoon,” we tend to idealize our new partner, seeing only the things we want to see. How long the honeymoon lasts depends on the individual, it could last weeks or years. Did you spot the warning sign behavior?

 

Week 2: Surviving a Breakup

Remember, taking the quiz will get you entered in a raffle for a $20 gift card to the Red Dragon bookstore.

Click the image below to see the poster at full size or use the link at the top of this page to see the whole story.

poster 7

At some point in life almost everyone will deal with the experience of breaking up with a romantic partner. Only time can offer complete healing but here are a few tips to help you through the beginning stages.


It’s normal to be sad after a relationship breakup. Give yourself time to grieve the loss, there’s nothing wrong with that. Identify your support network, your family and friends who will be there to listen and give you a shoulder to cry on.
Put away things that remind you of the relationship. Remove photos and mementos from your sight, delete contact information from your phone and remove your links on social networking sites. Even if you decide that you will “still be friends” continuous contact with an ex-partner can actually make the break up more painful. If you are really struggling with the loss consider talking with a professional counselor.


If you have a friend who is going through a breakup, realize that they may display a wide range of emotions, being there with a listening ear can be a real help. Did you spot the friend’s helpful behavior?

 

 

Week 1: Julie's Story

Click the image below to see the poster at full size or use the link at the top of this page to see the whole story.

poster 7

This is the first in the series of 12 posters that depict the story of an unhealthy relationship. In this particular story a heterosexual couple is depicted, with the female partner as the victim. However, it is important to recognize the fact that unhealthy relationships can be experienced by any couple regardless of their sexual orientation or gender.


As the story unfolds watch for “warning signs.” These are behaviors that may clue you in to the fact that one partner is trying to control the other. Unhealthy relationships consist of a pattern of abusive behaviors which intensify over time. You will also have the opportunity to identify the great things that Julie’s friends did for her.


In each of the next ten posters (poster 2 -11) you will have the opportunity to enter a raffle on the P.A.I.R.S. website for a $20 gift card to the Red Dragon bookstore. All you need to do is correctly identify either the warning sign or the friend’s helpful behavior demonstrated in the poster.

 

 

 

know violence (formerly PAIRS)

Office of Health Education | Counseling, Health, & Wellness Center, Room 110 | (607) 436-3540